FLCL New York

[N.O._creator_ATOMSK]

*lol* now you're just making her out, to be a slut.. (joking) n.n

[dennis20014]

lol who? I mean I know you are joking, but I'm not sure who you are talking about

[dennis20014]

Posted about 7 more pages I just wrote. This wasn't the talk I was originally wanting to write, but this just came to me. I hated it at first when I was done, but I revised it somewhat and there are tons of references to the series, including one that makes Naota truly a "pussy cat" lol

There will be another talk, the one I had thought of first, but I'll put it in later. I realize I said that I would be writing about Ninamori etc. that will have to be the next chapter. I was going to say, wait till Monday when she goes to school, but I forget my own writing lol Schools out that's why he went, it was a perfect time. So I'll have to interlock it all another way, which won't be hard at all

If I deserve negativism at all, I would of expected it with this chapter. But I did some revising and I'm happy with it. Please comment, say what you feel. Thank you, Merry Christmas, and to all others, Happy Holidays =)

[Kester]

I read about 8 pages (pasted into Word) of it.
Not terrible, I like the ideas in it, but your writing could be improved quite a lot. You have a sort of cross between story and stage directions, with loads of lines starting with a name, such as, "Eri opens her eyes and peeks her head around his body." This sounds more like you're directing an episode, and though that is obviously your fantasy ambition, you should be writing it as a story instead.
This could probably be mostly changed by making it all past tense, because then you'd have more freedom with your sentence structure. Don't take this as a light suggestion; I think this alone would improve your writing by double, so go do it now!
Also, there are many spelling errors and such, so I would recommend going through this really critically and making sure you are happy with all of it entirely.
Finally, take out your random ideas in brackets, make it so that this story is a really nice finished product without your own thoughts randomly appearing, like "(boobs whatever sounds better lol)". Make it so the writing itself is really enjoyable, rather than the anime episode you have to imagine being the point. It's in text, and won't ever be animated, so you've got to work with that.

Don't take this as a discouraging comment, because it's fine, it just could be better.

[dennis20014]

Thanks a bunch. I realize the half and half layout I have, if you think it'll help, I'll go about changing it lol. AS for the grammar errors, I always mix up things, such as there/their, were/where. It would bug me but I forgot all that English class mumbo, so I just put whatever I feel/think goes.

If I didn't put my thoughts there, some things would be very hard for me to explain in words. I do see your point though, and will figure out away to improve on it, cause I totally agree with what you said.

Thanks for the time to write out your thoughts =D and hope you'll continue to read and comment.

(A main reason why the errors, such as those that aren't fixed is cause when I installed Word, I forgot to check the extras or whatever it is, so it doesn't give me any spell checking etc. It only does so when I post here, online, and it only shows mistakes like tihs one lol)

[Kester]

Over the Christmas holidays or whenever you've got a couple of days spare, go through it and really improve it. When you do that, pm me and I'll go and I'll edit it for you, if you want I'll be wanting it in past tense, mind.

[dennis20014]

Alright, sounds good to me It might not be for another week or so until I go through it real good, that's when my break comes so that will be the ideal time.

For everyone else, I'll have at minimum, two chapters by then so keep looking

[N.O._creator_ATOMSK]

sorry dennis, i was speaking about haruko..or eri.. or whomever at the time.. lol*

been so busy here with my own story, finally ive made it to episode 30.
and you'll never guess the title.
i suppose, it can wait..

I havn't had much time what with work an all, to catch up on your story..
but i believe what with the recient changes, you made..
it's gonna be good.

I to have problems with grammer, so i'm going back once more..
as well as to fine tune, my storyline.. i've also included music to the sceenes, as they go along. I've been working hard on a digital map, of the 12 colony planets.. but have yet to find a working scanner. ( this is all done by my hand, with pad and pencil. )
i wish, i had a stencil set.. but 8 bits.. better then nothing.



Best wishes on this holiday.

~ * ATOMSK * ~

[dennis20014]

I need to updateizzle huh lol

[Maskan]

please update!

[dennis20014]

UPDATED W00T!
Figured I'd start bringing in the lady of honor.
I'll be updating again regularly. Sorry I was gone so long. I have some good material to go off of now =D

EDIT Check the story, I put a little piece in there I just wrote

[N.O._creator_ATOMSK]

WOOT WOOT dont give up man keep at it. im sure you can fix whatever you need to to make this look better in youre eye.
me ? i havnt givin in ither..
no matter how many times people tell me to stop.
HELL, NO ! I aint stopin the gravy train for crap!!!.
keep reading i've taken a look as well. so far, so good bro.
- hope mine is good too. -
Later.

ATOMSK*

[dennis20014]

Added some more to the story, it's now starting to kick off. There will be a bunch going on at once now, Haruko will play a big role obviously and you'll find out what her true intentions are. Ninamori will play a bigger role, as well as Mr. Ray.

Meanwhile, Naota and Mamimi will spend time together as you'll come to see

It's looking sweet lol

COMMENT! haha

[dennis20014]

I wanna be on top again for a bit. Any new users can check out my story which I contribute to now and then. I really am in the writing mood right now, but have some college work to do lol

[Bluerose]

That was so cool!!!!!! You need to keep writing! I am now addicted to this fan fic. Please post more ASAP!!